JERRY UNDER A PINE TREE — PAUL RUTA
/Hard to get a signal out here, Jerry, but I finally got through. They’re on the way. Be here in a jiff. Don’t worry, they know these woods like their own backyard. It’s a Sunday drive for them. We’ll get you outta here. Who knew a pine tree’d fall so fast. Holy crap. One bolt of lightning and zap, down like a sack of cement. I didn’t see it coming, did you? No, guess not. Sorry, Jer, just trying to make a little joke there, hope you don’t mind. You know, you’re not supposed to try to catch the damn thing. What’s that? Sure, let me grab my canteen. Take a sip. Nice and easy. Whoops, let me wipe that up. Gotta look good ’cause they’re gonna send one of them medic chicks in a tight uniform to fix you up. We’ll get you out real quick. Then we’ll go to Sal’s. Walk right in there with a big cast on and some crutches and everything. They’ll go, Well looky here if it isn’t Paul Bunyan, and then they’ll take your picture and put it up behind the bar. They’ll turn the TV down to hear the story. Tell it slow, Jerry, real slow, and they’ll set up the brewskies all afternoon. Man, some people will do anything for free beer. That’s you, you sly old dog. They’ll be here any minute. Don’t worry. Do you think they have sirens? Pretty sure I hear sirens. We’ll get you outta here. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts. Hey, remember Morty’s birthday that time when Cheryl made a chocolate cake? And Morty goes to blow the candles out and spits a huge wad of gum right into the top of the cake and it sticks there like one of them flowers they make, you know like how they make roses and shit out of icing, and you went Hey Cheryl, is that a peppermint chocolate cake? And everybody cracks up except Cheryl, that old sourpuss. Cracks me up every time I think of it. You’re a funny guy, Jerry. You’re fuckin’ funny. But I’ll tell you this, next time I go hunting with you I’m bringing a chainsaw. Give it another minute, buddy. They’re coming. Want another sip? Here. We’ll get you all fixed up and we’ll take June and Sandra out to that new Italian place like we promised, the one over on Pine — Pine, shit, sorry, it didn’t even occur to me. Sorry. I hear they have good veal parmesan, not too much tomato. Some places they put too much tomato on top, you can’t taste the veal, then they go skimpy on the cheese. Goddammit, where are they? Should’ve been here by now. Don’t worry, Jer, I hear them coming. Just another minute. Get you out in a jiff. Get you fixed up good. We’ll go to Sal’s. We’ll drink every bottle of Michelob in the place. They’ll turn the TV down. What’s that? Tell Sandra what? Tell her what, Jerry?
Paul Ruta is an old ad guy living in Hong Kong. He has talked baseball with Vidal Sassoon, smoked cigarettes with Johnny Rotten, and won a trophy for throwing a Frisbee very far. www.paulthomasruta.com
