AT THE MOVIES — BILL MERKLEE
/The Wizard of Oz (1939)
Witches. Magic. Demonic flying monkeys. Forbidden fruit in our house. Must-see TV for all the other kids. Every year I lie about having seen it. But Dorothy is my friend.
The Ten Commandments (1956)
Another annual event, this one church-approved. Everyone looks forward to the parting of the Red Sea. I look forward to it closing back up. I wouldn’t mind looking like Charlton Heston.
Cabaret (1972)
Holly’s parents love me. They make plans, how we’ll both go to Wheaton after high school, become missionaries and have lots of babies. Her father is some kind of film exec, brings home a screening copy of Cabaret. Their basement—wood paneling, overstuffed couches, recessed lights—reeks of hot greasy popcorn. It doesn’t take long for the room to get smaller, the couches less comfortable. When Liza Minelli dances with Michael York and Helmut Griem, I let go of Holly’s hand.
That Certain Summer (1972)
A made-for-TV movie I watch when my parents are out. I love Hal Holbrook. The two men are lovers, but so cautious for the camera. I want them to kiss or hold hands.
Dune Buddies (1978)
I’ve known Aaron since we started Sunday School. He’s the only one I can talk to about what tears at me every day. He takes me to a seedy Jersey City theater for my first gay porno, to see how sick and depraved that life would be—a literal Scared Straight intervention. It isn’t the education he intended.
Making Love (1982)
Harry Hamlin and Michael Ontkean! Kind of corny. I cry my eyes out anyway in an empty theater. I can see myself married to Kate Jackson, making dates with guys behind her back. I write Holly from San Diego.
Longtime Companion (1989)
Not exactly a date flick, but Estéban has heard good things. It’s devastating. And still we’re not careful. My faith feels like excuses for an abusive spouse. I find a church that doesn’t believe He has sent a plague.
Mrs. Doubtfire (1993)
The first film I see with my parents after I move back from California, alone. They’re disgusted by the gay couple. Not a word about Robin Williams in drag. They pray for my soul. I want to pray for theirs.
Philadelphia (1993)
My friends aren’t sure I should see it, all things considered. But Antonio Banderas is just my type. The opera scene swells and crushes my heart: The place that cradled me is burning. I bring sorrow to those who love me. We sob and hug in the parking lot.
Four Weddings and a Funeral (1994)
Dad: Why does Hugh Grant have to say the f-word so much?
Me: That’s what bothered you? Not that Andie McDowell slept with like thirty-four guys?
Mom: That gay character had no right to mourn his partner like that.
Me: Whatever.
Bill Merklee’s work has appeared in Cabinet of Heed, Flash Flood Journal, Ellipsis, Bending Genres, X-R-A-Y, Ghost Parachute, Gravel, Columbia Journal, and the HIV Here & Now project. He lives in New Jersey. Occasional tweets @bmerklee.
